Rollerball
Starring Chris Klein, LL Cool J, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos

Directed by John McTiernan, PG-13

Zero Stars

Released February 8, 2002

Running time: 98 minutes

Zero Stars

by Kevin Lang

It is not a good sign when, during a film, it can be seen on the actors faces that they seem to fully realize that they are making a bad movie. In "Rollerball" it was a look of embarrassment, or else really bad acting, that could be seen on the faces of the actors from scene to scene. The only one who seemed to be taking the movie somewhat seriously was Chris Klein, who played Jonathan Cross, the new superstar in the sport, if you can call it a sport. However, the only bad thing was that no one in the audience took Jonathan (pronounced Jon-a-ton in one of the many nationalities represented in the film) seriously, nor could any of the other actors in the film be taken seriously.

"Rollerball," based on the same screenplay by William Harrison (I) who scripted the original much stronger 1975 version directed by Norman Jewison, was a film that should have barely made it to video, let alone to the big screen. The latest version was directed by John McTiernan, whose previous directorial efforts include, most notably, "Predator (1987)," "Die Hard (1988)," and "The Hunt for Red October (1990)." His most recent films include "The 13th Warrior" and "The Thomas Crown Affair" remake, both released in 1999. Given a respectable track record, it was hard to imagine how McTiernan couldn't have realized just how ridiculous the new version of "Rollerball" was going to be after shooting the first few scenes, not that it would have stopped the movie from being made. On top of a bad story, the acting is painful to watch, the editing is uninhibitedly bad, and the dialogue is filled with corny overworked lines that not only sounded bad, but also were embarrassing to listen to for the sake of the actors.

I'm not going to worry about giving away anything in this review, since retelling too much of the story would be too painful anyway; and besides, it would be wasting too much of your time. The basic overview of the plot is that Jonathan Cross (Chris Klein) gave up a career in the National Hockey League to play in a corrupt rollerball league overseas with his friend Marcus Ridley (LL Cool J). A sexual relationship appeared out of nowhere between Jon-a-ton and his rollerball teammate Aurora (Rebecca Romijn-Stamos), who donned an unrealistic Russian accent for the role, and an even worse black haired wig. Ouch, it hurts, enough said.

I'm not going to go into the physics of rollerball, but for a steel ball that appeared to be as hard and heavy as a shot put, it was hard to imagine that it could be thrown and caught like a tennis ball. Speaking physics and things of a physical nature, the players who composed the teams looked anything but physically adept to play the sport. A large black woman stands out in my mind, who we had the unfortunate displeasure of witnessing from behind in a locker room. Other players looked more like prison inmates and costume party rejects than players in a professional sport. Even the worst costume donned characters to ever appear in the soap opera entertainment of the WWF never looked as bad. Speaking of which, Shane McMahon, son of WWF owner Vince McMahon, had several brief non-speaking cameo shots in the movie, all of which were rather meaningless in respect to the story.

To point out everything bad about "Rollerball" would take too long for a film that I hope you never have the unfortunate experience of seeing. However, there were several other significant shortcomings worth mentioning. When advertising the film, the studio promoted a special appearance by pop singer Pink. Video shots of her appeared briefly in the background two or maybe three times on large screen monitors, but she never actually appeared in the film with the actors. I don't know if you could call that false advertising, not that her actually having a role would have made the film worth seeing. Next, there is a nighttime shot that ran for several minutes of the film where the screen had a strong fuzzy green tint, as if the audience was looking through night vision goggles. It looked more like war footage from desert storm, rather than a successful experiment in filmmaking. Finally, the acting was subpar to say the least. Long facial shots of Chris Klein, giving his best look of cool determination, were reminiscent of the extreme poses of Derek Zoolander. I could elaborate further on the acting, but I feel that I've said enough with the previous comment.

It wouldn't surprise me if the studio, MGM in this case, knew that they were making a bad movie. However, they probably knew that with a little effort on the marketing side, they could still make a profit from the film. This seems to be a common occurrence in Hollywood, and it is unfortunate, especially for the millions of people who are swayed into seeing and paying for movies like "Rollerball." Seeing that the studio wasn't smart enough in holding back and not releasing the picture, I'm not going to hold back here. "Rollerball" was one of the worst movies that I've ever seen. Not having put forth any money to see the film, I was able to laugh at just how disappointing it was. It played like a running joke, because that, in fact, is what it was.

Review written February 9, 2002, CTF.